Thursday, September 27, 2012

You'll only regret...

Which wise-face said that "you'll only regret things you haven't done?"
I heard this a long time ago, in Serbia, and for a long time thought it true.
Not anymore.
Not that I don't have regrets. But they go both ways.
For example, a few days ago, I decided that I will go after fellowships. At this point, I realize, it is something that I would love to do, a fiction-writing fellowship. Anywhere, though Harvard would be my first choice.
But in 2006. I had an offer from Boston College for an assistantship and full scholarship for an M.A. in Slavic Studies, which I said no to because...I'm embarrassed to say why, but, at that point in time, to that Marija, it seemed like a right decision.
I also said NO to two excellent full time jobs--one when I got into grad school in DC, and another, when I was about to move to NYC.
So, am I the only one who thinks about the past a bit and wonders if I made the right decisions, and wonders where I would be now if I had taken any of those other paths?
It's not that I'm not happy with where I am right now, but I have to admit, sometimes, I feel a little lost. And a little bit with a "multiple personality disorder."
Well, I'm doing 246 different things, but none of them with a 100 percent. And the road to here has been fun, no doubt, and educational; it's just, I wonder something, how stability would fit right now.
Back in 2006, being an assistant in college sounded wrong for me and reporting sounded right, but now, I realized, I don't really want to be a reporter. Which is kind of a bummer after you get an M.A. in it, and spend a lot of time and money on it.
On the other hand, getting an M.A. in creative writing or acting probably would not have been the best decision either.
And now, I feel a little bit like a cat (nine lives and all). I'm applying for fellowships, I'm sending my book to competitions, and to agents, I'm looking for a full-time job in Communications, I want to start my own Internet business, I want to keep learning Italian, and I want to live in Europe again.
And I'm also still interpreting, teaching and consulting on-need basis.
One thing I know for sure. I love to write. Not articles, but fiction, historical fiction, or really any fiction. I actually get goose bumps from reading my own good fiction. Weird, right? From reading other people's great fiction too, not just my own...
So I should probably follow that path as long as there is one. What if it turns into a dirt path? What then? Still follow it? What if I hit a forest? What then? A flashlight?

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